i could forever be hopeful but it's surprisingly difficult to do so when you know deep in your heart that you're simply exhausted. i'm now at a point that i see myself as a mere spectator of how things and people come and go. i continue to function & i continue to breathe but have i really been living? i'm taking one day at a time then look back, assess...i'm quite okay...people appreciate me...i always do my best in everything...i must have been so stuck living in the present and forgot to plan. i couldn't see the bigger picture, i'm having a hard time envisioning the future...at this point, i couldn't link my past, my present and my future...coz even if i have done good things in the past, i couldn't see my reward in the present and i couldn't be sure that i'll reap what i'm sowing presently in the future...admittedly, i still have issues of inabilty to fully trust...i can't pretend and smile that everything's okay...i have done that a lot of times...wrong move.
i'm becoming impatient. i'm hating the word "someday", that "someday" in the past is "now" at the present...i haven't accomplished much, i just let the time passed, i was busy doing the right things and it didn't really get me anywhere. right now, i'm still basically the same...with just a bigger salary, with just more responsibilities and i can't even tell if i have been truly happy. i love serving and loving other people, i told myself before not to expect anything in return...believing that everything i've given should be free...but sadly, as human as I was, I expected...maybe not for people to bring back everything I've given but for God to at least let me do things I love doing for others as long as I can or until forever if there's truly such a word...to serve...to love...to care for people with whom i invested emotionally that is. Reality is unfolding slowly...I'm left alone. I know this is just a matter of seeing things differently...but presently, let me just acknowledge that I'm not happy, I'm hurt, disappointed, frustrated, depressed and angry.
I couldn't blame anyone right now but myself...for trusting the wrong people, for expecting too much, for having a difficult time to accept everything. who wants all this negativity? definitely, NOT ME but I'VE REACHED SATURATION POINT...I FEEL LIKE BURSTING.the good person in me wants to forgive but let me just tell that I'M NOT A HYPOCRITE TO WISH WELL THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME. if only i have also done wrong to these people, maybe i can easily accept that these are all because of my shortcomings, maybe i just haven't done enough..but NO, I JUST WOKE UP ONE DAY CARRYING ALL THE PAINS CAUSED BY SOMEBODY ELSE'S SELFISHNESS.
I am blankly staring at life now. maybe, in time I'll also be part of the scene. it could be better this way temporarily for now.
