hey, it's been more than 12 months

can i just say...it's good to be back? for the past 12 months or so , i've found myself doing a lot physical and would you believe...even cerebral stuff? then lately...i was able to manage to include activities that made me pause, temporarily forgot reality and ironically found happiness in my 'alone time'. sometimes, it's scary that i couldn't imagine feeling this kind of happiness with someone...is myself the best company i can ever have? oh no! well, maybe...NOT! these people though made my 'alone time' enjoyable...thank you for the pauses between the juggle of activities, for temporary escapes, for joys & tears, and for simply comforting me.

I have been deceived. How about you? (a reflection on SFC 18th ICON)

the recent SFC ICON experience is indescribable.it's actually quite difficult to organize my thoughts and emotions as i write this blog entry.this entry has been in my "drafts" folder for so many days now.

the experience was overwhelming. a weekend spent with lovers of Christ has always been very nourishing to one's soul most especially to a wandering soul like me. i was again reminded to be strong...to stand...to fight.

i have numerous unanswered questions, unrealized goals and forgotten dreams. Because things aren't turning out the way i wish them to be, I have started to doubt myself...maybe "I am not good enough", "I am not beautiful enough" "I just don't have what it takes". I have started to accept things as they are --there are just things not meant to be. as for my life, it's just not meant to be easy.

i thought all my emotions are valid, i have accepted all the facts anyway but moving on from my past doesn't necessarily mean i have been moving forward. the enemy has been deceiving me with all the good lies. my community, my service and expression of my  faith became my comfort zones . my known facts are not God's realities. often times, i simply deny the truth in front of me and i have not been picking up all the lessons from the trials i have faced.i became very complacent. i realized i need to know what my true battles are and gear up for the real fight.i should be consciously aware and fight for my heart's convictions...and i myself should be convinced enough to take a stand.admittedly, the devil's trap is so beautifully wrapped that i fall in sometimes.unconsciously,along the way under the enemy's trap, i have lost my sense of self and my true essence being God's beloved daughter.

since life is all about choices and God's greatest gift to us is free will, the search for happiness has become a continuous struggle. along the way, we may get hurt because of the wrong choices we made or even because we chose to be right. hence, we should not forget (let me quote our ICON 2nd session speaker Fr. Joel Jason) that "no area in your life is so painful that God's grace cannot bring total healing". Even in our pains, God's greatness can be revealed.

The battle is not just external, sometimes, the greater battle is what's inside of us .How we deal with our inner struggles are just being manifested with our actions. I'm almost 11 years in SFC and  sadly , I couldn't even consider myself to be strong enough.In my dark moments that I am clouded by doubts and fears, the enemy successfully made me feel "abandoned". However, every time I surrender all up to God and every time I acknowledge that I am helpless and weak- I once again feel His love and protection. It didn't go away,  I just failed to recognize that it was there all along.

Let's pray for one another --- that in our daily lives, we choose only what's true, let us not be deceived by the father of lies. Let us all remember that Jesus has already won our victory. Everyday, let us protect ourselves from the enemy's onslaught by putting on The Full Armor of God.

how i wrapped 2010 travel

i am about to have my first travel this year next week. recalling how wonderful travel life has been last year, i can't help but be excited for the upcoming travel schedule. so far, there are already 3 confirmed destinations for the half of the year.i think i took Bo Sanchez's talk of encouraging people to take at least 10 vacations a year seriously.however, i don't think i'll beat last year's 14 destinations but will be very grateful if i'll be able to :)  here's the complete list of 2010 travel destinations and so looking forward where 2011 will bring me.2010, travel buddies, thanks for all the fun :)

top words for 2010

2010 is all about time spent for myself and for doing things i have never done before.it's all about realizing my own strengths, looking for simple joys and just being human and letting God be God. it's all about Him filling my empty cup with His love and miracles...it has been a wonderful journey with people who were strangers, friends, family and making new memories. let me share with you my TOP WORDS for the year...just to thank the people who've helped  me made it through.

admission - at the start of the year, i had to make a decision to stand up for a major decision i did at the end of 2009.i had to admit, i've been hurt and i was really angry. i had to cry and let it out...the word composure became strange to me. suddenly my known realities have changed. i had to withdraw from habits and create new beginnings. somehow, i had to make twists to a familiar world. i had to admit to myself that it's time to truly move on, it's time to forget...to simply forget the good and the bad of yesterdays. there were lessons and i have to hold on to them as i face my new reality.

recollection - i have realized the better side of having been involved in communities, so many companies and keeping small and yet very supportive friends. meeting one group after the other for coffee, dinner, fellowships and prayer meetings were the things that have kept my Fridays and weekends fully occupied. i tried recollecting myself once again, somehow i felt the need to know my old self , restore friendships and get to fully understand God's message for me this time. there were moments for exchanging stories and there were also moments of just being still. both moments, i have truly appreciated as both have let me felt blessed in every encounter i had with people, myself and God.

exploration- yo! dear country with 7,107 islands, my 365 days is not enough for you :) this year, i have traveled with different travel buddies. i have gone up to the mountains, to the depths of the sea and have been so close to the clouds many times than before. i have traveled to simply enjoy life's simplicity, the beauty of nature and good company of strangers, friends and family. i have expanded my horizon as i start to dissociate memories to people and places. i started to create new ones.it was very exciting.each travel and new people to meet thrilled me. i have joined a new support group, attended reunions and i even became the most "kaladkarin" person to all my friends' gimmicks, travels and even family bonding time.i have broadened the world i used to know and i thank God for the gift of time.

reparation- putting myself back into one piece was very challenging. i remember the very day i've been dreaming about the moment when i wouldn't just feel any pain...when there will be scars but don't matter anymore. i realized i have that power to heal myself. i've prayed for this, i've worked hard for this and God never left me...He never fails to cheer me up, He never fails to remind me I am being loved. I've been healed because I have allowed God to love me more, to create miracles in my life and to appreciate His plans for me. I didn't need to change myself, I just needed to pass through a stage where my own weaknesses and strengths will be revealed, a phase where I have to live a day at a time.i appreciate my own wounds now because i have discovered what my deepest desires are.

preparation- this year has also been a year of preparation (as i want to believe it). i know i'm now ready for greater joys, bigger blessings and realization of all my dreams. i have been strengthened by trials and i have never felt this thirsty again for God...truly, in your darkest moment, He'll let you feel that He's ever present

celebration- the remaining days of the year, I'll be surrounded with good people who love me so much. I love to celebrate Jesus' birthday with them :) They made Jesus so real in my life because they love me unconditionally, lifted my spirit high, supported me and never left me with this journey. for the people who've stayed with me through crying and laughing times, who gave me messages of hope, who've never given up on me, who've never let me do stupid things alone, the people who've always been praying for me and believed in me even though i was at  a point that i didn't have enough belief in myself, here's my one big message:

THANK YOU!



travelling anew

when i left RS, two years ago, i wasn't really expecting that I'll be travelling as much as I used to. I actually regret that I didn't maximize my business trips then so right now, when I get the chance to travel, I've been documenting evrything. Photos for digiscraps are now lined up that even if I don't have internet connection, I still have something to do at home. recently, I realized that :

1) I simply love doing non-work related layouts
2) I love my country...so much to be explored...so much to do
3) I actually have willing travel buddies who can go crazy with me
4) Waiting for promo fares became an addiction
5) My limited budget can go far (literally & figuratively)
6) Though not free, I appreciate personal trips than business trips. no work involved (hahaha), just pure pleasure :) and expenditures (argh!)

hmmmm, I still have 2 months to fill up. takers, anyone?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

How To Win The Race You're Running

Persevere in whatever race you're running. Don't just start it but be sure to finish it. Remember that being in heaven is our ultimate prize but God is not actually just waiting for you to be there, He's running with you in this race. He knows when you're tired and comforts you, He helps you carry your load. 

In order to win the race, here are 5 helpful tips:

a) Focus on the prize. Don't look back.

b) Find a healthy distraction- one that will distract you from the burden of the work.

c) Plot short-term goals. Bite-size your goals and celebrate small victories.

d) Get a running mate. Someone that will help you continue on with the race.

e) Run the right race. Do it for the right reason. The only permanent motivation is love because we are made from love.

I am running a spiritual race since the start of 2010. I have never felt so hungry for God's words and God's presence in my life as certain circumstances made me really weak in all aspects. I know that God loves me so much and the assurance that I heard from today's feast that He's running with me in this race almost made me cry. I've been running in circles lately... just keeping myself busy and trying to find something i don't really know along the way. I just realized that despite the confusions around, He's keeping me on track. Admittedly, I am not so focused, I was just running and running and running that's why I easily get tired but He never left me. He  leads me to running mates and showing me the right race. I need to love myself more, the decision to slowly let go of the wrong races I ran through before actually pleased Him. I feel that I am getting there. The first half of the year is about to end, I feel that it pleases Him that I have given myself enough love--- I have regular spiritual nourishment (through households, SFC talks, retreat and prayer time has never been this consistent), Regular exercise is keeping me fit and I'm giving myself a chance to see and experience some little heaven on earth. 

I pray that I'll start to be really focused...I still have unhealthy thoughts and God-given running mates are helping me finish this race ---simply cheering me on and giving me motivation.Continue to pray for me as well, may you also run with me.

Here's a take-away from Today's Feast that was led by Brother George Gabriel at Valle Verde Country Club.

Passport renewal

here's where you can schedule an appointment with DFA for your passport application and renewal : www.passport.com.ph . 

I didn't know about it until anna mentioned that her friend who was trying to get an appointment couldn't get a date earlier than june 26, she has a flight on may 26 :( all along i thought renewal won't give me a hard time since i lost mine few years ago and just visiting DFA office during that time took me less a day to apply for a replacement...but to my surprise, I couldn't get an appointment earlier than july 07 for my renewal...i have a scheduled flight on july 01!!! my persistent self and my mouse-clicking fingers just made me click "reload" (right-click) several times and God gave me a miracle, i was able to schedule myself next Friday, May 28! whew! 

Btw, normal processing is now 20 days and rush processing is now 10 days. set an appointment early!

geez, God loves me!

on unanswered prayers

wrote this poem 15 years ago...haven't written a single poem in years :P

Pagtanggap

Sino pa ang kakapitan
kundi ikaw lamang
Nag-iisa kong sandigan
na laging karamay
Alam mo ang lahat
Alam lahat ng nararapat
Tanging dalangin ko lang
Ngayon ako'y pagbigyan
Kung hindi pa panahon
Sana'y gawin mo ng ngayon
Kung hindi naman para sa akin
Sana'y makayanan kong tanggapin 

blankly staring

i could forever be hopeful but it's surprisingly difficult to do so when you know deep in your heart that you're simply exhausted. i'm now at a point that i see myself as a mere spectator of how things and people come and go. i continue to function & i continue to breathe but have i really been living? i'm taking one day at a time then look back, assess...i'm quite okay...people appreciate me...i always do my best in everything...i must have been so stuck living in the present and forgot to plan. i couldn't see the bigger picture, i'm having a hard time envisioning the future...at this point, i couldn't link my past, my present and my future...coz even if i have done good things in the past, i couldn't see my reward in the present and i couldn't be sure that i'll reap what i'm sowing presently in the future...admittedly, i still have issues of inabilty to fully trust...i can't pretend and smile that everything's okay...i have done that a lot of times...wrong move.

i'm becoming impatient. i'm hating the word "someday", that "someday" in the past is "now" at the present...i haven't accomplished much, i just let the time passed, i was busy doing the right things and it didn't really get me anywhere. right now, i'm still basically the same...with just a bigger salary, with just more responsibilities and i can't even tell if i have been truly happy. i love serving and loving other people, i told myself before not to expect anything in return...believing that everything i've given should be free...but sadly, as human as I was, I expected...maybe not for people to bring back everything I've given but for God to at least let me do things I love doing for others as long as I can or until forever if there's truly such a word...to serve...to love...to care for people with whom i invested emotionally that is. Reality is unfolding slowly...I'm left alone. I know this is just a matter of seeing things differently...but presently, let me just acknowledge that I'm not happy, I'm hurt, disappointed, frustrated, depressed and angry.

I couldn't blame anyone right now but myself...for trusting the wrong people, for expecting too much, for having a difficult time to accept everything. who wants all this negativity? definitely, NOT ME but I'VE REACHED SATURATION POINT...I FEEL LIKE BURSTING.the good person in me wants to forgive but let me just tell that I'M NOT A HYPOCRITE TO WISH WELL THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME. if only i have also done wrong to these people, maybe i can easily accept that these are all because of my shortcomings, maybe i just haven't done enough..but NO, I JUST WOKE UP ONE DAY CARRYING ALL THE PAINS CAUSED BY SOMEBODY ELSE'S SELFISHNESS. 

I am blankly staring at life now. maybe, in time I'll also be part of the scene. it could be better this way temporarily for now.

GOD NEVER SEES US AS FAILURES BUT LEARNERS by Arman Seguis on 21st Mar 2010

repost from http://www.boplanet.com/

It is how we respond to failures and mistakes is one of the most important decisions we make everyday of our life. Failure does not mean that nothing has been accomplished. There is always the opportunity to learn something.

I have so much failures in life and i think everyone does as well, but the good thing for us that in every failure we did is an opportunity to make us a better person. We all experience failure and make mistakes. In fact, successful people always have more failure in thier lives than average people do. Great people throughout history have all failed at some point in their lives. Those who do not expect anything are never disappointed, those who never try never fail. Anyone who is currently achieving anything in life is simultaneously risking failure. It is better to fail in doing something than to excel at doing nothing. A flawed diamond is more valuable that a perfect brick. People who have no failures also have few victories.

God never sees any of us as failures, He only sees us as learners. He allows us to fail and commit mistakes for us to learn. When we are a child and wanted to walk, we slowly stand up and take a first step with courage, yes we fall but the good thing i remember that everytime we fall to take the first step to walk we are never tired to try again and again until we learn to walk. That is what God wants us to be. Not failures but learners.

Learn the lesson and forget the details for your failures. Have you ever noticed that the devil never reminds you of the lesson? He only wants you to remember the details. Gain from the experience, but do not roll the minute details of it over and over in your mind. Build on the experience, and get on with your life.

Remember that the call is higher than the fall.

Psalm 55:22 says " Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the rigtheous fall."

IN JESUS' NAME.. AMEN.

GOD BLESS US ALL.

Psalms to live by

God has been constantly reminding me to trust Him. When I was writing my weekly letter to Padre Pio last Thursday, I wrote about being sorry for having doubted God a lot of times and for not fully trusting Him and then I was lead to Psalm 4:4-5 as I was browsing through an online Bible . I was reminded to be silent and do not entertain sin even in my state of anger. This is why I blogged a prayer last Saturday. I was surprised that people still read blogs as I know a lot are into facebook nowadays.Nicky, a brother from SFC dropped a comment and reminded me again to Trust in the Lord. He shared Psalm 27:13-14.

So I'll be constantly reminded of these Psalms, I have posted them on my PC's monitor. 

Everyday, I'll appreciate your goodness and love, Lord. Thank you for leading me to your messages of love.

E-N-D

dear God,

i'm feeling it again...all the negative things i have tried to ignore for the past months. help me that i'll be able to truly embrace the present. help me so i will realize my true value. help me that i may genuinely appreciate the life i have right now. it's still quite lonely...i cared too much, i loved too much and unfortunately expected too much. this has been a long, rough journey and i hope to reach the E-N-D..Entirely New Direction.

i am praying for my heart…heal all the wounds that past experiences have caused. as i carry my cross, constantly remind me that you are in this journey too.help me that i may live and love like your son Jesus did. lastly, i pray that i may experience true joy & peace. AMEN.

God is love, Be His Genuine Instrument

I understand that God's love is universal, He doesn't choose whom to love.

Even if you continue to sin, He still loves you but please, please don't hurt those people whom He also loves aside from you because by doing so, you hurt Him more.

Be considerate. Be sensitive. Be kind. Be truly loving.

Don't abuse the word love. It's God-given. Be a genuine love-giver. Be God's real instrument.

enjoying

i think i'm fully enjoying all the benefits :)

sometimes i wonder if everything would be the same as they were before, would i have:

• discovered new things? rediscovered?
• rekindled?
• explored?
• better options?
• been worry-free as i am today?

it's a good change actually and because i know i didn't step on anyone, wasn't selfish, didn't steal to pursue what i desperately need for myself....i'm getting real, sweet, rewards from Him. Thank You....i know the best is yet to come..and when it comes to gifts I receive from You, I do have an expectant faith :)

P.S
i'm loving the way blogging became so private when facebook became so public

Note to self

for the meantime, just think of the moment
enjoy what it has to offer
tomorrow offers another story
the past has done its purpose

for the meantime, think of yourself
all the love, care, service, generosity and happiness you have given to others
        are the same things you have forgotten to give your most deserved self

for the meantime,
let blank space fill your mind.
empty it from worries, hopelessness, anger, evil thoughts, pains and hurts.
do the same with your heart, give it its much needed rest.

when you're ready, smile again :)

i continue to be

this year, i have realized one thing...people can just be so rude even if you have not done any harm to them. i have started the year with sorrow and i was hoping to end it joyfully. 2009 involved a lot of crying for me. God has once again strengthened my being, my personality & most of all my faith. i'm looking forward to a better year on 2010. i'm just encapping everything this month then i'll be done. as i was doing this, i was hoping that the person who caused my recent pain would respect my time of healing...i was wrong. nevertheless, i was able to move on.i'm done feeling sorry for myself ...what for? in my understanding, i should feel sorry to those people whose lives remain to be a vicious cycle. as for myself, i have never done anything that would cause anyone too much pain & i tried to be the best that i can be in all the roles that God asked me to portray. with that, i have no regrets...i have sinned as usual and sometimes felt that i'm not worthy to be called His child but God has been so reassuring that He loves me no matter what. His love remains to be the only constant thing in my chaotic world. God sent me a lot of people to show me how much I am loved....i have deeply appreciated the presence of friends and family during those times of trials.

i know for a fact that i still have unclear vision of God's plans for me...all I know is that He'll never leave me, He never did.

Prayer for Patience

Lord, teach me to be patient - with life, with people,and with myself. I sometimes try to hurry things along too much, and I push for answers before the time is right.

Teach me to trust Your sense of timing rather than my own and to surrender my will to Your greater and wiser plan.

Help me let life unfold slowly, like the small rosebud whose petals unravel bit by bit, and remind me that in hurrying the bloom along, I destroy the bud and much of the beauty therein. Instead, let me wait for all to unfold in its own time. Each moment and state of growth contains a loveliness.

Teach me to slow down enough to appreciate life and all it holds. Amen

Ikaw Mismo!

Are you going to finish strong?

this video has blessed my day, i hope it will bless yours too!

Be proud to be Pinoy

"JM was randomly approached by a stranger at the train yesterday who complains about the Philippines' hopelessness and responded like, "You better read up more about my country's current improvements and our history to understand our plight & if you have a valid statement." Pinoys in foreign lands, it may be tough but I guess we have a responsibility to stand up against people like this everyday" posted last Monday.

when i saw this on JM's facebook's status message, I knew there's more meat to it so i asked....

jeng: ano yung nag-approach sa yo? alam pinoy ka?
JM Junio: ang una nga eh...
JM Junio: you look chinese but you speak filipino
JM Junio: na pagupo ko tinititigan muna ko
jeng: hehe tpos nung nalamang pinoy ka, mega-litanya?
JM Junio: oo noh
jeng: ano nationality nya?
JM Junio: tapos sinasabi ko you have to understand that we were colonized for centuries and this is part of our adjustment period
JM Junio: chinese
JM Junio: tapos sabi nya, wala daw connection yun bakit naman daw singapore, hong kong maayos kahit nacolonize
jeng: eh ilang taon lang naman?
jeng: tyo 333 years---spaniards lang yan
JM Junio: eh sabi ko "kasi magandang model of governance ang pinakita ng british, eh tingnan mo nga ang spain, mahirap na
JM Junio: sabi ko pa, tingnan mo din ang nangyari sa mga latin american countries mahirap din
JM Junio: tapos bigla nyang sinabi, but you shouldn't live bec of the past
JM Junio: sabi ko, "that's part of our identity and you can't hide that where we are is a great effect of our colonization"
JM Junio: tapos sabi nya, bakit daw walang improvement sa pilipinas
JM Junio: sabi ko, "if you're reading enough, you will find out that this is the time when our GDP growth is the highest"
JM Junio: matanda na yan
jeng: haha...oo nga baseless personal opinion...bati naman kayo pagkatpos?
JM Junio: eh pababa na sya, so nagmadali sabi "i know phils is a nice country, been there so many times and it will improve" sinabi nya kasi nagmamadali na sya
JM Junio: ineexpect nya na ilalaglag ko pilipinas
jeng: so proud of you! this is worth blogging
JM Junio: oo nga
jeng: ipo-post ko muna
JM Junio: mapapaupdate tuloy ako ng blog ko
JM Junio: at parang naging mababa pa ko na hindi ako chinese
JM Junio: sinabi ko na lang na "like most filipinos, i have chinese blood"

i think JM's last statement was funny...how could he even speak lowly of Filipinos?there's Chinese blood running in our veins!

whenever I go to other countries , i have numerously been mistaken to be a citizen of other countries and not Filipina. At first this surprised me a lot having brown skin and all...but yeah, I do look like Malaysian and Indonesian (sadly even a fellow kababayan mistaken me to be Indonesian) as well but whenever asked, I proudly say that I am Pinay...and proud!

How proudly Pinoy are you?