on unanswered prayers

wrote this poem 15 years ago...haven't written a single poem in years :P

Pagtanggap

Sino pa ang kakapitan
kundi ikaw lamang
Nag-iisa kong sandigan
na laging karamay
Alam mo ang lahat
Alam lahat ng nararapat
Tanging dalangin ko lang
Ngayon ako'y pagbigyan
Kung hindi pa panahon
Sana'y gawin mo ng ngayon
Kung hindi naman para sa akin
Sana'y makayanan kong tanggapin 

blankly staring

i could forever be hopeful but it's surprisingly difficult to do so when you know deep in your heart that you're simply exhausted. i'm now at a point that i see myself as a mere spectator of how things and people come and go. i continue to function & i continue to breathe but have i really been living? i'm taking one day at a time then look back, assess...i'm quite okay...people appreciate me...i always do my best in everything...i must have been so stuck living in the present and forgot to plan. i couldn't see the bigger picture, i'm having a hard time envisioning the future...at this point, i couldn't link my past, my present and my future...coz even if i have done good things in the past, i couldn't see my reward in the present and i couldn't be sure that i'll reap what i'm sowing presently in the future...admittedly, i still have issues of inabilty to fully trust...i can't pretend and smile that everything's okay...i have done that a lot of times...wrong move.

i'm becoming impatient. i'm hating the word "someday", that "someday" in the past is "now" at the present...i haven't accomplished much, i just let the time passed, i was busy doing the right things and it didn't really get me anywhere. right now, i'm still basically the same...with just a bigger salary, with just more responsibilities and i can't even tell if i have been truly happy. i love serving and loving other people, i told myself before not to expect anything in return...believing that everything i've given should be free...but sadly, as human as I was, I expected...maybe not for people to bring back everything I've given but for God to at least let me do things I love doing for others as long as I can or until forever if there's truly such a word...to serve...to love...to care for people with whom i invested emotionally that is. Reality is unfolding slowly...I'm left alone. I know this is just a matter of seeing things differently...but presently, let me just acknowledge that I'm not happy, I'm hurt, disappointed, frustrated, depressed and angry.

I couldn't blame anyone right now but myself...for trusting the wrong people, for expecting too much, for having a difficult time to accept everything. who wants all this negativity? definitely, NOT ME but I'VE REACHED SATURATION POINT...I FEEL LIKE BURSTING.the good person in me wants to forgive but let me just tell that I'M NOT A HYPOCRITE TO WISH WELL THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME. if only i have also done wrong to these people, maybe i can easily accept that these are all because of my shortcomings, maybe i just haven't done enough..but NO, I JUST WOKE UP ONE DAY CARRYING ALL THE PAINS CAUSED BY SOMEBODY ELSE'S SELFISHNESS. 

I am blankly staring at life now. maybe, in time I'll also be part of the scene. it could be better this way temporarily for now.

GOD NEVER SEES US AS FAILURES BUT LEARNERS by Arman Seguis on 21st Mar 2010

repost from http://www.boplanet.com/

It is how we respond to failures and mistakes is one of the most important decisions we make everyday of our life. Failure does not mean that nothing has been accomplished. There is always the opportunity to learn something.

I have so much failures in life and i think everyone does as well, but the good thing for us that in every failure we did is an opportunity to make us a better person. We all experience failure and make mistakes. In fact, successful people always have more failure in thier lives than average people do. Great people throughout history have all failed at some point in their lives. Those who do not expect anything are never disappointed, those who never try never fail. Anyone who is currently achieving anything in life is simultaneously risking failure. It is better to fail in doing something than to excel at doing nothing. A flawed diamond is more valuable that a perfect brick. People who have no failures also have few victories.

God never sees any of us as failures, He only sees us as learners. He allows us to fail and commit mistakes for us to learn. When we are a child and wanted to walk, we slowly stand up and take a first step with courage, yes we fall but the good thing i remember that everytime we fall to take the first step to walk we are never tired to try again and again until we learn to walk. That is what God wants us to be. Not failures but learners.

Learn the lesson and forget the details for your failures. Have you ever noticed that the devil never reminds you of the lesson? He only wants you to remember the details. Gain from the experience, but do not roll the minute details of it over and over in your mind. Build on the experience, and get on with your life.

Remember that the call is higher than the fall.

Psalm 55:22 says " Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the rigtheous fall."

IN JESUS' NAME.. AMEN.

GOD BLESS US ALL.

Psalms to live by

God has been constantly reminding me to trust Him. When I was writing my weekly letter to Padre Pio last Thursday, I wrote about being sorry for having doubted God a lot of times and for not fully trusting Him and then I was lead to Psalm 4:4-5 as I was browsing through an online Bible . I was reminded to be silent and do not entertain sin even in my state of anger. This is why I blogged a prayer last Saturday. I was surprised that people still read blogs as I know a lot are into facebook nowadays.Nicky, a brother from SFC dropped a comment and reminded me again to Trust in the Lord. He shared Psalm 27:13-14.

So I'll be constantly reminded of these Psalms, I have posted them on my PC's monitor. 

Everyday, I'll appreciate your goodness and love, Lord. Thank you for leading me to your messages of love.

E-N-D

dear God,

i'm feeling it again...all the negative things i have tried to ignore for the past months. help me that i'll be able to truly embrace the present. help me so i will realize my true value. help me that i may genuinely appreciate the life i have right now. it's still quite lonely...i cared too much, i loved too much and unfortunately expected too much. this has been a long, rough journey and i hope to reach the E-N-D..Entirely New Direction.

i am praying for my heart…heal all the wounds that past experiences have caused. as i carry my cross, constantly remind me that you are in this journey too.help me that i may live and love like your son Jesus did. lastly, i pray that i may experience true joy & peace. AMEN.

God is love, Be His Genuine Instrument

I understand that God's love is universal, He doesn't choose whom to love.

Even if you continue to sin, He still loves you but please, please don't hurt those people whom He also loves aside from you because by doing so, you hurt Him more.

Be considerate. Be sensitive. Be kind. Be truly loving.

Don't abuse the word love. It's God-given. Be a genuine love-giver. Be God's real instrument.

enjoying

i think i'm fully enjoying all the benefits :)

sometimes i wonder if everything would be the same as they were before, would i have:

• discovered new things? rediscovered?
• rekindled?
• explored?
• better options?
• been worry-free as i am today?

it's a good change actually and because i know i didn't step on anyone, wasn't selfish, didn't steal to pursue what i desperately need for myself....i'm getting real, sweet, rewards from Him. Thank You....i know the best is yet to come..and when it comes to gifts I receive from You, I do have an expectant faith :)

P.S
i'm loving the way blogging became so private when facebook became so public

Note to self

for the meantime, just think of the moment
enjoy what it has to offer
tomorrow offers another story
the past has done its purpose

for the meantime, think of yourself
all the love, care, service, generosity and happiness you have given to others
        are the same things you have forgotten to give your most deserved self

for the meantime,
let blank space fill your mind.
empty it from worries, hopelessness, anger, evil thoughts, pains and hurts.
do the same with your heart, give it its much needed rest.

when you're ready, smile again :)

i continue to be

this year, i have realized one thing...people can just be so rude even if you have not done any harm to them. i have started the year with sorrow and i was hoping to end it joyfully. 2009 involved a lot of crying for me. God has once again strengthened my being, my personality & most of all my faith. i'm looking forward to a better year on 2010. i'm just encapping everything this month then i'll be done. as i was doing this, i was hoping that the person who caused my recent pain would respect my time of healing...i was wrong. nevertheless, i was able to move on.i'm done feeling sorry for myself ...what for? in my understanding, i should feel sorry to those people whose lives remain to be a vicious cycle. as for myself, i have never done anything that would cause anyone too much pain & i tried to be the best that i can be in all the roles that God asked me to portray. with that, i have no regrets...i have sinned as usual and sometimes felt that i'm not worthy to be called His child but God has been so reassuring that He loves me no matter what. His love remains to be the only constant thing in my chaotic world. God sent me a lot of people to show me how much I am loved....i have deeply appreciated the presence of friends and family during those times of trials.

i know for a fact that i still have unclear vision of God's plans for me...all I know is that He'll never leave me, He never did.

Prayer for Patience

Lord, teach me to be patient - with life, with people,and with myself. I sometimes try to hurry things along too much, and I push for answers before the time is right.

Teach me to trust Your sense of timing rather than my own and to surrender my will to Your greater and wiser plan.

Help me let life unfold slowly, like the small rosebud whose petals unravel bit by bit, and remind me that in hurrying the bloom along, I destroy the bud and much of the beauty therein. Instead, let me wait for all to unfold in its own time. Each moment and state of growth contains a loveliness.

Teach me to slow down enough to appreciate life and all it holds. Amen

Ikaw Mismo!

Are you going to finish strong?

this video has blessed my day, i hope it will bless yours too!

Be proud to be Pinoy

"JM was randomly approached by a stranger at the train yesterday who complains about the Philippines' hopelessness and responded like, "You better read up more about my country's current improvements and our history to understand our plight & if you have a valid statement." Pinoys in foreign lands, it may be tough but I guess we have a responsibility to stand up against people like this everyday" posted last Monday.

when i saw this on JM's facebook's status message, I knew there's more meat to it so i asked....

jeng: ano yung nag-approach sa yo? alam pinoy ka?
JM Junio: ang una nga eh...
JM Junio: you look chinese but you speak filipino
JM Junio: na pagupo ko tinititigan muna ko
jeng: hehe tpos nung nalamang pinoy ka, mega-litanya?
JM Junio: oo noh
jeng: ano nationality nya?
JM Junio: tapos sinasabi ko you have to understand that we were colonized for centuries and this is part of our adjustment period
JM Junio: chinese
JM Junio: tapos sabi nya, wala daw connection yun bakit naman daw singapore, hong kong maayos kahit nacolonize
jeng: eh ilang taon lang naman?
jeng: tyo 333 years---spaniards lang yan
JM Junio: eh sabi ko "kasi magandang model of governance ang pinakita ng british, eh tingnan mo nga ang spain, mahirap na
JM Junio: sabi ko pa, tingnan mo din ang nangyari sa mga latin american countries mahirap din
JM Junio: tapos bigla nyang sinabi, but you shouldn't live bec of the past
JM Junio: sabi ko, "that's part of our identity and you can't hide that where we are is a great effect of our colonization"
JM Junio: tapos sabi nya, bakit daw walang improvement sa pilipinas
JM Junio: sabi ko, "if you're reading enough, you will find out that this is the time when our GDP growth is the highest"
JM Junio: matanda na yan
jeng: haha...oo nga baseless personal opinion...bati naman kayo pagkatpos?
JM Junio: eh pababa na sya, so nagmadali sabi "i know phils is a nice country, been there so many times and it will improve" sinabi nya kasi nagmamadali na sya
JM Junio: ineexpect nya na ilalaglag ko pilipinas
jeng: so proud of you! this is worth blogging
JM Junio: oo nga
jeng: ipo-post ko muna
JM Junio: mapapaupdate tuloy ako ng blog ko
JM Junio: at parang naging mababa pa ko na hindi ako chinese
JM Junio: sinabi ko na lang na "like most filipinos, i have chinese blood"

i think JM's last statement was funny...how could he even speak lowly of Filipinos?there's Chinese blood running in our veins!

whenever I go to other countries , i have numerously been mistaken to be a citizen of other countries and not Filipina. At first this surprised me a lot having brown skin and all...but yeah, I do look like Malaysian and Indonesian (sadly even a fellow kababayan mistaken me to be Indonesian) as well but whenever asked, I proudly say that I am Pinay...and proud!

How proudly Pinoy are you?

Ending a day of negativity

someone reminded me to put negative thoughts behind yesterday, so as i was putting myself to sleep last night, i listed and shared my happy thoughts for the day:

a) God reminded me early this morning that it is better to love than to be right
b) today's work has been pleasant, productive and surprisingly, circumstances were on my side. my stars must have aligned really early
c) pressing statements came out but i was forgiven
d) God reminded me again that i am loved...so thankful that no one insisted to be right...i was not the only one who chose to love
e) night ended sweetly

find your heart's missing piece . . .

MY ONE TRUE LOVE by Dolly Macam, SFC South B5A

reposting this entry from SFC website.

haay, i wish i was the one who wrote this, hehe...it's just sooo beautifully written.highlighted are the ones that struck me personally...read on and hope this sharing will bless you the way it did to me..

I am being pursued by God since the day He brought me to this world. He gave me a set of parents who would give me the greatest gift of all: my faith. Having introduced me to prayer at an early age, I was able to seek God on my own and that beautiful beginning set me on a personal journey to a deeper relationship with Him.

I encountered God in various ways at different stages in my life. Sometimes He is Healer, Teacher, Brother, Redeemer, Provider, Consoler, Protector, Personal Savior and Friend. I first came to know Him by the Name of Jesus.

Jesus is the One who died for me. He is the Savior of Mankind and God`s Only Begotten Son. Jesus Christ is my Master and I am His disciple. Jesus is the one I call when I am afraid. He is the one I beg for help when I am in need. It is in His name that I ask all things from the Lord. And His name is the most powerful weapon here on earth.

Later, I would call on Him to come as the Holy Spirit. He is my inspiration. He tells me how to communicate with God. He guides me and animates my soul through His various gifts. He fills me and gives me grace to do good things and to overcome temptations.Surprisingly, the very last Name for me to call upon Him was Father. But when I did, He became Father to me in the truest sense of the word. He is the Father who lets me sleep all morning. I may have missed the sunrise but He will make sure I saw the bright moon and the stars. He is the Father who provides for my family and makes sure everyone is safe and healthy. He is the Father who gives me money to spend for my needs but reminds me to give Him what is His. He is the Father who disciplines me but at the same time shows me forgiveness, mercy & love. He is the Father who listens to my woes of love and soothes my hurts. And He is the same Father I can just be the silly me with and who will never laugh or yawn at the mundane, trivial, crazy details I tell Him about my life.

Perhaps, God has finally caught up in His pursuit of me and my being able to call Him Father and seek Him with all my heart was how I know our relationship has reached an entirely new level.

When I sought God, He did not disappoint me. He immediately made Himself known. He allowed Himself to be found, like He promised me in Jeremiah. I found a hunger for Him that could never quite be satisfied. He gave me a new appreciation for His Word. He speaks to me most clearly when I pray the Bible. He allows His living Spirit to fill me and enable me to counsel my brothers and sisters in need of comfort, understanding and love. He also enlivened in me the desire to receive Him in daily communion. And He gives me the grace to reconcile myself with Him to purify this spiritual union.

As my relationship with Him grew, my encounters with Him became more familiar and I have come to know Him in more intimate ways. Sometimes He is simply Listener. Sometimes He is the perfect Gentleman. He talks to me over cups of coffee. He says something to me from a book or a line from a movie. He reaches out His hand to me through a friend. He moves me through nature`s bounty and beauty. He admonishes me in the confessional. He loves me through my parents. He affirms me through the random people He sends me to practice His most favorite verb, love.

But I do not always see God`s hand at work. When He calls me, I do not always respond immediately. And my answer is not always yes. Sometimes I consider His work as my work. When He commands me, I forget that He has already planted the seeds and given them life; that all I really needed to do was to tend to them.

Sometimes I feel the weight of responsibility for His people heavy on my shoulders, forgetting that the burden is not mine to lift but His. I sometimes listen to the evil voices reminding me of my unworthiness, making me feel unequal to the task. I forget that the One who sends me is the limitless source of all strength and I will be prepared for the mission at hand. I forget also that God has riddled my life with trials and sufferings that already molded my character and refined, if not perfected my faith. I forget that I have been well and truly broken especially for God`s holy purpose.

Fortunately, these memory losses are but short-term. He sends legions of angels to remind me that I am His and that He is in charge of every aspect of my life.If I have suffered enough and cried out for help, He would always make sure I have learned the lesson first before He exempt me or take me away from the experience. His tests are only difficult if I do things my way. The evil one will show me ways to cheat. He will tempt me to choose what is convenient over what is right. And sometimes, he will also make me feel it is more important to be right than to be good. But God`s rules on good and evil are unchanging and could never be manipulated. No matter how modern the times may be, His laws could never be compromised. I love how patient He is with me when I choose convenience over righteousness, or pride over goodness. I love how lovingly He corrects me even when my mistakes have caused others and Him great pain. I love how He continues to love me and shower blessings upon me even though I have been far away from Him. He never fails to remind me that He has never forgotten me even if I have forgotten Him.

What I love most are the times God gives me a second chance to make things right, to do better, to forgive, to reach out, to take responsibility, to bring peace, to serve, to love. He makes me feel like my past mistakes never happened; that when I repented for all my sins, I am made as white as snow by His forgiveness. He gives me a clean slate. He gives me a fresh start. He gives me more than I deserve. Those times are the best…to be back in God`s favor, to admit mistakes and learn from them, to know humility and know I have nothing to boast before God, to surrender everything and let His will be done.

When God gave the instructions in Corinthians on how to love, He was really speaking to me about the kind of Love He has for me. And He never gave instructions which He never backed up by solid examples. The whole story of Jesus` Crucifixion is a poignant love story…and a seemingly unrequited one at that. When my mother told me this story when I was a little girl, I wanted to do physical harm to everyone who ever caused Jesus pain. Now I am older, I die a little death for the pain I myself have inflicted upon Him.

Sometimes I wonder where that little girl had gone. I wonder how I allowed the world to soil my soul and corrupt my heart. But when God looks at me, He only sees that little girl who loved Him with all her heart. And He gently coaxes me to let that little girl out and love Him again. He reaches out His hand, silently asking me to have faith in Him. And little by little, that child-like trust and love for God fought their way out. And I am His little girl once more. My Father`s love has never left me empty or cold or wanting. He has made me complete as a person and restored my heart for loving again. He taught me to put the past where it belongs and let Him take care of my future. He only asks me to live NOW. To be present in this moment and open my eyes to His many blessings that are sometimes disguised as adversities. To learn from and appreciate all the people He has handpicked to give me my life`s lessons. But most especially, He asks me to believe and not be afraid.

He is my one true love. He has sewn the blueprint of this love into the tapestry of my soul. This is my map, my guide, my compass if I ever lose my way home. He made sure I can just close my eyes and think of Him and my heart will know where to go. My love for Him is not perfect. But the important thing is that His love for me is. And if I fix my eyes on Him, I will slowly but surely learn His ways.

My life could not be more perfect because I am confident that I am loved perfectly by God. This unshakable truth is my foundation to loving myself more, to loving others more, and most especially, to loving God more. What can I say? I`m a Daddy`s girl.

He is more than enough for me and in Him, my joy is complete...what more could a girl ask for? =)

A very timely household topic we discussed last night

COMPLAINING HEART

It seems to be in a nature of people, even God's people, to complain.When the Israelites were liberated from slavery in Egypt after 430 years, and God have miraculously destroyed the Egyptian army to saved them. In just a short while they were already grumbling against Moses. They grumbled about drinking water (Ex 15:24) and about the lack of food (Ex: 16:2-3) and again about the lack of water (Ex 17:2-3) each time God provided for their needs. The people however were quick to forget the good and kept focusing only on the bad. Today, we still complain.

• We complain about the difficulties of life rather than thanking God for the gift of life.
• We complain about the long mass and the boring homily, rather than praising God for the Eucharistic celebration of his people, where we are able to partake of his very flesh and blood.
• We complain about the dirty and unproductive poor in our midst rather than in seeing them as brethren to love with delightful opportunity to minister to least of our brethren and thus make it to heaven.

REJOICING IN THE CROSS

So if we are to suffer difficulty, trial, pain attacks, lack of appreciation and the like--do not complain rather, rejoice! These opportunities for salvation, for growing in holiness, for being honed as a warrior of God. Such trying times are opportunities for us to follow Christ most closely.

When more money is ask of us by community, rejoice and give, otherwise we robe God of what belongs to Him and we deprive his people of what God intends for them to experience by way of Christian ministry. We rejoice in the privilege of giving, and know that God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor 9:2-7), otherwise we might give but still fall into the sin of grumbling. As we fail to appreciate the wonderful privilege of being tapped by God to participate in his work. Jesus has said that: "Where your treasure is there also will your heart be" (Mt. 6:21). God does not want your money, He already own everything, right? He wants you and of course when your heart is right then everything else follows according to the will of God.

When people including the poor are hard to love, rejoice, when they're insensitive, unloving, ungrateful, these times are opportunities for us to grow in the Lord. How will we ever grow in patience if there are no people to test your patience? How will we ever grow in forgiveness if there are no people to do wrong? As it is, loving hard to love people is a way for us to grow in important Christian values such as patience, tolerance, perseverance, forgiveness.

Guide Questions:

What are your complains about life, family, work, community, service?

Do you see a brighter side to all this?

Jesus tells those who want to follow him to take up their cross. How do you understand this call? Are you willing to do so?

How can you rejoice in all circumstances?

sharing...

God spoke to me once again. i have been complaining a lot lately... yes, i have gone through so much storms in life and just when i thought i am happily moving on, occurences from the past continue to haunt me.when i was answering above questions, i couldn't stop my tears...i couldn't help but cry..i couldn't help but ask why am i experiencing all these...can i remain strong? sometimes, i get tired and i'm feeling it now but i don't want to dwell on it so much and yet i still have to deal with it. sometimes, i feel there's just so much on my shoulders but that's a plain stupid thought because how can i even claim i am God's faithful servant if i don't take up my cross and follow him? sorry Lord, i have not fully trusted and i know it's wrong. at this point, i'm surrendering all my troubles up to You and i choose to remain happy because that's the kind of life You want me to have---to live the life You have planned for me.

Psalm 139:1-12

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^a]">[a] you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Matthew 6:7-15

7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.
9"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. 11Give us today our daily bread. 12Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.' 14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Guide Question/s from In His Steps March 03, 2009:

What are the things that exhaust you? Have you created in your heart a desire to just lift all these up to God?

My answers:

on #1) right now,haunting past
on #2) honestly, the desire is always there but I think I am not trusting enough, i can't help but worry...so help me pray for more strength...strength in every way...spiritual, phsyical, emotional.

how my year started

i have wrapped my 2008 in my previous entry, now let me move on to 2009...it's a bit late, i know.

few hours after we celebrated new year, i received a call from my uncle informing me about the sad news that my lolo emong already passed away. i felt really sad but somehow when you know that a man has done so much and lived fully, you don't want to see that person suffer longer. in my lolo's case, i have been praying for that since i saw him last Christmas. when he was diagnosed of cancer, his body rapidly became weak but his mind remained sharp until his last breath. my grandfather and the life he lived will forever be an inspiration to us, his family and to the people whose lives he has touched during his lifetime being an educator, public official and most of all, as God's servant. during his last days, all he wanted was to serve God more and maybe God wanted him to do this personally :)

i went back to Manila right after lolo's interment and reported to work after three days of being absent. so many projects were left untouched and i was feeling really bad physically due to fatigue and extreme cold climate that PH was experiencing during that week. still, i went to report for work and it was a bad decision, the paracetamols, cough syrup and antihistamine did not do any good. the following day while I was on my way to work, i felt chest pains and it was truly a miracle that i was able to reach the office despite the difficulty in breathing. upon reaching the office, i asked our messenger to send me to the hospital. . . i was in emergency room of The Medical City for almost 9 hours. Let me thank my dear friend, grace for helping me find a room, my family who have been shifting to accompany me in the hospital for four days, my friends and raul for regularly visiting me.after four days of confinement, i was asked to rest for a few more days...so that was my first two weeks of the year...unproductive but very much rested.