About my Blog

Stories of a thirty something girl. She travels.She reads.She writes.She dreams.She prays.She lives.

May 23, 2005


I've tried boxing-in the little kid in me:

--> shy, moody, anti-social, good student, very opinionated, loner, dependent, worrier <--
I've managed to somehow master the skill of pretending to ignore things that seem to matter so much to other people. . .physical looks, getting good grades, commuting, finances, having a boyfriend and voila the new me was eventually born: YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS OF COOLNESS! I don't want friends who've known me as always the opposite of the "old me" that I had to struggle just to get this so-called "happy-go-lucky" stature that I have now . . .my attempt however, to throw my "old me" box wasn't successful. . .let me, enumerate the reasons:

As I put all those attitudes in my "old me" box ready to be thrown, I figured that those traits are the ones that made me an artist.If any one would be asked to describe an artist, for sure, those traits are included. You might be wondering now where the hell those traits are. . .man, it's still within me. Often times, to initiate a conversation even a plain conversation at that, I had to be ready with topics on my mind, I had to at least know where to start . . .and I would often practice on my mind how am I gonna deliver it . . .and yes, brothers and sisters in Christ even a simple sharing still needs a little practice. . .secretly, silently on my mind. Yes, I'm still that shy, little girl. I was really an anti-social, when I was a kid (my ate was the "biba" and I was the timid, intellectual type. . .yeah, I managed to get good grades in grade school) .Until now, I still have that anti-social tendencies, I enjoy it better when I'm alone reading books, simply watching videos at home alone, or dreaming in my sleep. I never liked big crowds, it suffocates me but somehow I was able to create an attitude that I am a "party girl". I had my first taste of alcohol when I was 8 ('ey, I thought it was pineapple juice!), I started going to parties when I was 12 (not the children's party type, okay?), I started going to gimmicks when I was 14 (I was even provided with gimmick allowance!). . .man, my father was really supportive to all these activities that's why I was never tempted to abuse my early independence. Somehow, at an early age I already started practicing self-control so as not to displease my parents. I am a proud virgin, I never tried drugs (if my asthma medicines won't be counted), I never tried smoking cigarettes (yes, not even a puff!) but boy, I must admit that I enjoyed the taste of that "pineapple juice". . .hell, yeah, stopping to drink alcohol was another struggle for me (full details? nah, maybe in another entry, okay?) . . . going back, and let me just stress that I was already practicing self-control even in drinking . . . good thing , I was able to do it liberally at home with dad :)

In school, my circle of friends has always been small, someone whom I can just share lunch daily and another one to keep me company in case my constant companion would be absent was already enough. I was doing exceptionally well when I started going to school (Daily Vacation Bible Study and Sunday School included) and somehow, I was feeling the "pressure" to always get good grades. On 5th Grade, I stopped studying hard but continued my love for reading literature and concentrated on art exploration. I started listening to different kinds of music (from Beatles to Smokey Mountain), I tried painting (I couldn't draw though but I do love using the brush and experimenting on colors) and started writing journal entries . . . basically, I've learned to have fun alone. The inner critic in me though was something that I couldn't manage to remain hidden, I was commenting on every little detail, I would question the world, I wanted answers to all my questions and I started giving opinions even if not needed. People find that funny and I was gaining more friends. That started my so-called social life . . . and couldn't stop it. Having blessed with the coolest dad in the world, I was able to explore life, provided that when He said NO, I had to obey. That wasn't much of a problem since this seldom happens and somehow I could get through using my charm and persistence. Without really noticing it, the trace of the "old me" is nowhere to be found. No longer the shy, moody, anti-social kid that I was, I have become the life of the party. Blame it on my witty, funny, sometimes-hurtful comments. People can never describe me now as the intellectual type, I have transformed to a cool artist. Well, my being very opinionated remains intact, obviously. People will laugh if I say that I'm a loner and still dependent. For some of you who knows that I work terribly hard because of my financial obligations (read: bils, bills and bills!) and to support my BOJ (read: Bundle of Joy - - - 3-ann and 3rd), I might be the most independent person you know. . . living only with my siblings without helpers and supporting my siblings at that, but I got tiny, little secret I just need to share and stress - - - I PRAY, I PRAY AND PRAY HARD EACH AND EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE so that I can somehow manage to survive. I am still that old kid . . .and yes, the main reason why I wasn't able to successfully throw the "old me" box was - - -I am attributing what I am now to my "old me". That little kid in me is a constant reminder how I need God's great power above to surpass all my trials, overcome my weaknesses and insecurities and that I need not pretend that some important matters that matter so much to other people do not really matter to me because really, they don't now. . .cliche as it may sound, but God alone is already enough. . .I'm enjoying this simple life now, I still of course dream big . . .but no longer for myself alone (how about world peace, huh?), I still of course wonder if I'll ever get married and have my own children (and when will my little girl named Tala be born?), I still hope for the day that my family would be in a more normal stature . . .admittedly, I still worry too much but I thank God for all these worries because I have reasons to pray more :)

Another Confession: This was an attempt also to write a non-faith, non-Christ centered entry but I honestly couldn't help it. . . He's THE BLOOD running through my veins, keeping me alive :)